Nearly two years ago, in a desperate attempt to understand myself, I opened up a box where I only kept my most secret and desired prayers. I scribbled a prayer down, shut the box, and never thought about it again.
Fast-forward to 2018, and a couple failed attempts at relationship-ing later, I found myself complaining to Holy Spirit.
All of my friends are getting married!
… Well, okay, not allll of them—but some of them are! Okay like, two. But still! Most of them have at least found love!
You know I don’t even want to get married! But it would be cool to be in love. Why can’t you help a sister out here?
Once my pity party was over, he directed my attention to that little box sitting on my bookshelf. I’m pretty sure it had dust on it, because I hadn’t opened it in for-ever.
I walked over, grabbed that tiny box and began leafing through my old entries. I couldn’t help but smile as I read through my cries to God. There wasn’t a prayer he didn’t answer! He really listens. I thought. Then I got to the last one. My smile quickly faded as I read:
“Help me find myself on my own and be happy with just you. 11-27-16.”
My eyes grew wide. I couldn’t believe it.
I played myself.
Did 19-year-old Tailah really just screw up her dating life for the next two years?
I’ll tell you what she thought. She thought this lesson would include a few months of soul searching with some grandiose revelation of who she was at the end, leading her to her “soul mate”.
I sat back after feeling like the Holy Ghost just (lovingly) smacked me in the face. I couldn’t even complain, because I asked for this.
The truth is, sometimes we pray dangerous prayers without even realizing it. This is just one example—others include “Show me your glory”, “Send me”, or “Make me more like Jesus”.
I’ve shared many of the wonderful things I have learned during this year of being single, but this last lesson as my year comes to a close has been the most eye-opening yet.
I don’t know what kind of home you grew up in, but mine was pretty strict. My parents were loving—but Mark and Diane didn’t play. They never babied me, and when my sisters and I were wrong, they made sure we knew we had disobeyed and faced the consequences. On the positive end, whenever we did something great, we were lavished with words of encouragement, affirmation, hugs, high-fives and sometimes even gifts!
While they had good intentions in teaching us right and wrong, this ended up cultivating a performing spirit in me. The enemy came in and told me that I had to achieve, earn, and work for love and affirmation.
I quickly learned that this was not the case with Jesus, because our salvation is not dependent on what we do. The bible say that Christ died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8) and that our salvation is a gift that we did not deserve, but instead given to us simply because He loves us.
But I was today years old when I realized that true love is not something that I have to strive for, earn, or perfectly maintain in order to possess it.
My entire life I grew up in church hearing “Find a man that loves you the way Jesus does.” But to be honest, I was unclear of what that meant.
Does that mean if it ever came down to it, he would die for me? I don’t have a lot of experience in home invasion, but I guess if it ever happened he would take a bullet for me?
Or maybe it means he’s supposed to be a super spiritual guru—you know the kind of guy that leads worship or a life group or goes around praying for sick people.
My measuring stick was still works.
Someone loving you the way Jesus loves you is someone who loves you without judgement or conditions. They see your mess and the worst parts of you that you hide from everyone and still choose you. And they don’t just stay—they love you in spite of all of your shortcomings and failures, because they see your full potential and believe in you. They believe in second chances, because Christ does.
In fact, someone reading this needs to know this: He wouldn’t have died for you If he didn’t believe in you. The enemy tells us that we can’t change, we don’t have enough faith, or can’t attain God’s love, but Jesus would not have gone to the cross if that were the case. We can come to Him at any time, be made new, and be adopted into his family has his sons and daughters, because his sacrifice was more than enough, and we can do all things through Him (Phil 4:15).
In order to identify real love, you have to experience it in its fullness first. If you don’t know the love of Jesus deeply and personally, you will end up settling for someone who cannot give you the love you need. You need perfect love first and foremost, as it acts as the foundation for every other kind of love in our lives. This is only found in Christ.
Trying to find earthly love without knowing perfect, heavenly love is like trying to get to your GPS destination with blindfolds on. Sure, Siri might even be able to give you verbal directions, but what good are they if you have no clue where you are and can’t see the road signs? You end up fumbling around grabbing onto whatever “feels” like what you should be looking for.
There’s a reason why David the psalmist says that God’s word is a lamp to our feet! It guides and gives clarity to every step of our path! If you need clarity over your life or your mind—look no further, friend. He is the master planner and will gladly show you the blueprints you need for the next steps. No more guessing, wandering, or aimlessly feeling around with blindfolds. You don’t have to live in fear of your decisions and relationships being wrong.
Sitting here, in the aftermath of the unpacking, the answer is quite simple: Jesus and his word. Isn’t it funny how we overcomplicate?
I don’t know about you, but I am going into this next season with a clear mind, heart, and sense of where He is directing me. I want my eyes to be centered on him, not looking to the right or to the left for some kind of person or thing to make me feel complete— I want to be full, satisfied, and overflowing with His perfect and complete love.
9-1-18