Hi I’m Tailah, and I just spent the past half hour crying in my room.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but I have a tendency to ignore my emotions and bottle them up. I just ignore them and focus on the positive. As a result I’m generally super chill, happy, and easy going most of the time.
That other 5%, well, it can get pretty ugly.
Something as simple as a snarky comment, crazy look, or a song on the radio can send me over the edge and cue the waterworks.
I have no idea why I’m this way, but maybe you relate.
Anyways tonight was one of those nights and this time the frustration came from broken relationships.
I found myself going through a mental list of all the broken friendships I’ve had and how broken they left me.
When we allow our minds go off in a frenzy in moments of sadness, panic, or fear, this leaves the door wide open for the enemy to come in and feed us lies.
And so the lies started flooding in.
“None of your friends care about you. They just want to use you!”
“You will never find someone who loves you for you.”
The tears wouldn’t let up. I was torn up. Have you ever been so sad it just feels like an insanely heavy blanket is suffocating you and you can’t shake it for the life of you? Yeah. It was that feeling.
And then I felt the still soft voice of Holy Spirit remind me—
Tailah, you are putting your identity in relationships. That is why you’re so upset right now. You feel that brokenness and emptiness because you haven’t invited me into that area of your heart.
I repented and He responded again:
You can’t be upset or angry at these people. They are looking for anyone and anything to use because they are trying to fill the voids in their hearts. Voids that I need to fill. They cause heartache because they don’t know any better. You were never meant to carry this pain. You were never meant to carry this cross. Jesus carried it so you wouldn’t have to. I look at you and I see the cross. I look at you and see “It is Finished”
Lately He has been doing a work in my heart and sometimes I fall short of his plans and purposes for me. Sometimes I slip, I go backwards, and I lack faith in the promises and directions He’s given me. Whenever I realize this, I have a tendency to shame myself and feel unworthy of God’s love and plan for me. I feel dirty. Unclean. Undeserving and ungrateful.
But that’s not what He sees.
When things are healing, there is a high chance for infection. It is easy for the wound to open up if it is rubbed the wrong way. This is normal, because wounds are fragile. But that does not mean the white blood cells are not working in the body and healing the afflicted area. They heal in their own given time with proper care.
So you see, whenever God is doing a work in us, and we fall short and sin, he doesn’t throw in the towel and give up on us.
If a baby is learning how to walk, I seriously doubt the baby is going to spring up and start sprinting around the house. The baby will crawl, take a few steps, lose their balance and tumble down. But the father and mother don’t get angry and punish the baby for falling.
If our earthly imperfect parents understand these processes, how much more does our perfect Father in heaven?
He doesn’t have an impossible standard for you. He doesn’t expect it. He reminded me tonight that when I feel unworthy he sees perfection.
One of my favorite stories about Jesus is found in John chapter 8.
A woman was caught in adultery. Having sex with someone who was not her husband. The religious leaders brought her to Jesus and asked if she should be stoned. (That is how the ancient laws dealt with adultery and other serious sins.) Funny how they only brought the woman, isn’t it? No one asked about the man.
Anyways, Jesus says his famous, “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” And all the woman’s accusers leave one by one. And Jesus looks her in the eyes, and tells her that he does not condemn her either, and to “Go and sin no more.”
He does not judge or cast stones when we meet his standards with a sincere and repentant heart.
Repent simply means to turn away. We apologize to the Father by turning from our old ways and following His ways. When we sincerely want His will for our lives instead of ours.
Being a Christian does not mean you are sin-free and perfect by keeping a checklist. But it does mean that you are free and already loved perfectly because of Jesus.
So right now, as you are reading this, going through whatever battles and pains in the depths of your heart of hearts, rest in knowing that you don’t have to keep the facade. You don’t have to keep carrying this cross and feel guilty whenever the weight of it is too much to bear and you fall short of His glory.
He looks at you and sees his own righteousness. All because of love. He couldn’t stand to have heaven without you. He loves you recklessly, wildly, and extravagantly. It doesn’t make sense. His love is so vast, so deep and wide, even though we can’t measure up. I don’t think any preacher or theologian could ever begin to understand what we did to deserve this love or why it is poured out so lavishly upon us. But rest in it tonight. Rest in your freedom and deliverance from carrying your own burdens, weights, and demons. Allow him to sing over you and remind you of his faithfulness and goodness. All we have to do is ask him to take these afflictions and repent for not trusting in His process.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 51:7
Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Hebrews 9:14
the blood of Christ will purify our consciences from sinful deeds so that we can worship the living God. For by the power of the eternal Spirit, Christ offered himself to God as a perfect sacrifice for our sins.
Prayer:
Jesus, thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, dying for me, and for cleansing me and making me new. I thank you, because you say that in You, I am a new creation—that I am dead to my old-self and my old ways. God, I ask that you would continue to lead me along your path for my life. I submit my ways and my plans to yours and invite you into every area in my heart and say, “Have you way, Lord!” In Jesus name, amen.
Songs:
Extravagant—Bethel Music
Isn’t He—The Belonging Co.
Mercy—Bethel Music